What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
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him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.