I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
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me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
hi why am I like this
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
yeah 😭
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought