Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Is your wife single?
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”