When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
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A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
my sentiments exactly
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.