Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
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one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Awesome parenting 😂
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Challenge accepted.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Oops I deleted….
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.