Good morning!
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I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Good advice.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”