Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
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Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step