[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
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I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.