“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
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One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner