When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.