[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
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wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing