“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
You Might Also Like
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Bootstraps
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
He a real one for that
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.