The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
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I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I love twitter
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices