You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
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can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Had an epiphany today.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part