How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
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Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”