Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
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If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car