My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
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Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.