Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
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“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
no