[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
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This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
How dude HOW?!
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
.. do you even science?
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.