ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
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When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
good let them take over I have had enough
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree