*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
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I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.