Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
You Might Also Like
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
You’re the water to my grease fire.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”