For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
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“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I will never stop laughing at this
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.