[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
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What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.