Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
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I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.