The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
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[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
6. me as a lawyer
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?