I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
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[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Gods work.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.