“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
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Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment