I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
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they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned