People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
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My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
This could be us but you eatin’
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.