[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
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I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
don’t be scared
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead