I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
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Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
You deplete me
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife