If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.