My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
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so much to do
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god