I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
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[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.