My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
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Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I hope google does well on my son’s test
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”