The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
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WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
nobody’s gonna understand
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling