My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
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If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Meowchelangelo
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.