My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
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Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.