Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
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[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*