As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
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Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*