To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.