Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
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Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*