Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
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dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Yes, but it was never about money
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.