Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
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9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
“I took care of your clown problem.”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M