Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
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Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.