Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
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Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Brb my Sims are getting married
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
mom gave me mine for free
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.