Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
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you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.