Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
You Might Also Like
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.