succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
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Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude